1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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