You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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