I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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