The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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