Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
Randomize
