And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Randomize
