Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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