i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Girls should come with a carfax report
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Randomize
