I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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