Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
In either case, seeing now as it's basically two couples, unless we're planning to have a good old fashion orgy I think this isn't going to work out so well.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
It's okay. I think we're back on. I just went on a dog walk with him n blew him on a sidewalk
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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