News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
RA just said I set the all time record for a student who lost houseing..30min..I was moveing out while my new roomate was moveing in. know of any off campous places to stay??
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
