it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Everyone says I win the strip club
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
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