How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I am going to go Miley Cyrus crazy if I don't get sex soon
Headline in the alligator: young zeta goes berserk after lack of sex and is found naked swinging from wrecking ball on university ave, refuses to get down until sex partner is found
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
