So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
Sorry bro I thought you were kidding. If I'm actually jerking off I usually said "Just a sec getting dressed" or something
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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