I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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