All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize