I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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