please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
