after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
he woke me up with all the stuff I had at his house in boxes i had to unwrap my own belongings and he said. Happy v-day its time to see ya day! Worst day ever
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
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