end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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