i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
the liver wants what the liver wants
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Randomize
