i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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