Welp...herpes.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Randomize
