I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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