Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
