I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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