Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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