remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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