I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
sarcasm needs its own font
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
