Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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