Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Randomize
