come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I think I offered a man a blowjob for his power ranger suite last night...
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