my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize