Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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