I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Two days later and my throat is still sore. That bong is a double edged sword.
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
