I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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