i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Randomize
