Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
do nipples grow back?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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