1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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