FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Randomize
