I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
