My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
Well I just put wine in my tea
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Randomize
