I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
