Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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