tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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