hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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