I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
but there are maragaritas for $3 so that was all i needed to hear
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Life without a bra equals bliss.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize