Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
