my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
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