bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
