are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Randomize
