Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
