I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
