I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
