i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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