And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
