we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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